Being Real: Physical Abuse

My dealings with physical abuse are minimal, but this series would not be complete without touching on it.

How to Recognize Physical Abuse

Physical abuse doesn’t actually have to be visible. Some abusers will ensure it isn’t visible, often hidden under clothes; while others don’t care and the marks they leave don’t lie.

physical-abuse

If the marks aren’t there you will have to look to the person’s behavior to see if it’s altered. The physically abused typically will shirk away from human contact, because they associate it with pain. People who once used to be very touch oriented will suddenly stop hugging, shaking hands, etc. They simply can not separate physical contact from physical pain. To them it is now one in the same.

Types of Physical Abuse

This type of abuse has so many variations, I can’t list them all. Think of common verbs and there’s sure to be some form of physical abuse to go with it. Whether it be hitting, kicking, shoving, pinning, choking, etc. All of these are methods that physical abusers use to hurt others, often those they state they “love”.

How Do You Help?

This type of abuse is the most dangerous because of the amount of anger in the abuser is unknown. You do not know what they are capable of doing. It is for this reason, that you must follow these directions for helping someone in a physically abusive relationship.

Why Won’t Some Women Leave?

Some women won’t leave, they’re scared, scarred and don’t believe they can ever really get away. If they were to leave and be found later, it would be worse if they had just stayed.

We must remember….

We can not judge women that are unwilling to leave. Through the years I’ve heard statements like “If she won’t leave then it’s her fault.” or “I just don’t get why she won’t leave, so I don’t worry about it.”. We do not know what she has been through or is currently going through, we probably can’t even imagine it. We’ve not been in her shoes and dealt with her pain, so we have no idea how we would handle it.

The statistics don’t lie, when some women try to leave a physically abusive relationship they don’t make it out alive.

Do not get physically involved with someone in a physically abusive relationship, it could be a matter of life or death. 

Please note….There are many different types and stages of relationship abuse, and admittedly more and worse than I have personally dealt with in my past. If I have not covered a type or stage of relationship abuse, it is because I do not have any personal dealings with it. However, my “ignorance” of the type, stage, feelings or after affects does not the change reality of this relationship abuse. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship please reach call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

 mistysig

 

About Misty Leask

Misty is a Daughter of THE King, Texas girl always, Navy brat at heart, loving Fisherman's wife, blessed mother of 2. She is passionate about being real throughout all of life's struggles, successes and dreams. Her heart is full of ideas and passions, but the hours in her day never multiply to get it all done. Misty loves writing and reading in her spare time. Music and photography are favorite past times of hers as well.

Comments

Being Real: Physical Abuse — 24 Comments

  1. Hmnn… I used to wonder why abused women hardly want to leave, now I know better. Thanks a lot for helping me change my thoughts and give me a better perspective.
    Have a super blessed day Misty!

    • It is a very difficult topic to cover, and while I discuss some reasons that women won’t leave an abusive relationship, there is not a cookie cutter answer. Each abusive relationship is different. Blessings Ugochi!

  2. It’s so cruel when people blame the victim: “Why doesn’t she leave?” Obviously, some people are so beaten down by life that they come to think they deserve it or there is nothing they can do about it. Like you said, even when they try to leave they risk their lives and sometimes lose their lives. Instead of blaming the victim, we need to look for ways we can help.

    • Thank you, Laura, for that comment. I actually lost a very good friend during the time I was with my first husband because of that. She got “fed up” with my not doing anything towards leaving. She didn’t understand how scared I was. I KNEW I would lose my kids (which I did).

      People who blame the victim don’t understand. I wish people would become more aware of how hard it is to leave. And if it’s physical abuse, there is a real chance the woman could be killed if she tried to leave.

      Have compassion and understanding. Find some way to help without getting mixed up in the whole situation. Be a friend. Sometimes all they need is someone to listen, not someone else to defend themselves to.

    • Yes, it is important that we look for ways to help, the victim’s lives are already more difficult than most can imagine. Blessings Laura…

  3. I think it’s so important we keep talking about all kinds of abuse and I especially appreciate how you advocate not judging the victim. We must build up the sisterhood of women, not tear it down.

    • Yes, we must ensure that we talk about all abuse, the victims will continue to suffer silently, while we are silent. By doing this, then we will see change…Blessings Jen!

  4. As a victim of psychological abuse, I can tell you right now why a woman won’t leave. She’s scared. She probably has no money because the abuser makes sure she has none. She has no friends because he has isolated her. And because of her precarious relationship, she’s afraid to allow anyone else into her life. The abuser had assured her that if she tries to leave no one will help her. And if she tries to leave, he will come after her. (I went to a womens’ shelter/safe house because my ex-husband had a history of stalking, vandalism, and harassment.) These threats are REAL. If they have children, then he will find a way to say she’s an unfit mother. (My ex-husband turned our 3 children against me. It wasn’t until just before he passed away that I was able to try to salvage my relationship with my kids.)

    I tried leaving 5 or 6 times. I had to go back with my tail between my legs because I had no money and no where to go. My family didn’t want to get involved. (They’d already been through it with my mother.) Statistics show that a woman will leave 5-7 times before she is successful.

    Oh, and that little piece of paper called a restraining order…not worth the paper it’s written on. My ex knew how to just stay above the law. He had the mayor of our city as his friend as well as some of the cops. He made sure to make public all my indiscretions (but made sure NO ONE knew what he was up to).

    He even started going to my church to volunteer so he could get those people on his side as well.

    I left because I was dating a man who I knew would protect me. That gave me the courage to say enough is enough. I wasn’t alone. I had a full time job and a car. I had him to protect me. We’ve been together 3 years.

    The scars are there, it’s just that no one can see them. These scars are often rubbed raw by my daughters’ comments about how much she misses her “terrific father” who was “the best dad ever” (umm..yeah. Guess she forgot all the names he would call her. He even would say that the kids weren’t his. He would tell me to deal with MY daughter because he wanted no part of it.)

    These are wounds that are going to take a long time to heal. It’s something only I can do. Don’t judge me for the things I have done wrong. I did what I did at the time to deal with my life. Now I’m working on getting my life together and learn how to be a Christian wife.

    • Dear Linda, I am so sorry for all the pain and hurt you’ve been through. It is heartbreaking to hear women’s memories that involve past relational abuse because I know first hand the pain, and the struggles, thoughts and other issues you deal with years later.

      The scars are not visible on me either, but yes, they are there. Most people in my real life don’t know about my past because I still struggle trusting people.

      I am praying for you Linda, if you ever need to talk please email me, I would love to chat. mistyleask (at) mistyleask (dot) com (((hugs)))

    • Linda;
      I too was abused by my first husband. I tried to leave several times before I managed to get away with my son and with my life.
      I took 2 years to leave my ex because he threatened to kill me if I left with our son.
      I lost many friends over the break up and kept a lot of the story hidden for a long time. When I finally left, and knew I was safely far far away, I told some of the story to my family and friends. Some did not believe me and thought I was exaggerating because they could not see the bruises. Some wanted to know why I had stayed for so long. My ex told everyone I had not given him a chance. My ex told me he never remembered what he did to me but if he did I must have given him a good reason to hit me. That I must have made him very angry. (that was after 20 years!)
      Even after 20 years when my son went to visit my ex, he still played the victim and told my son I had never given him a chance…My son confronted him and told him that he knew about the abuse and that I feared for my life. That is the only time I know that my ex husband told the truth, that he had abused me.
      It is a very long story but now that my ex is dead I feel a lot safer from any retribution from him.
      I will always wonder if he treated his second wife the same way he treated me and if he didn’t why? what did I do wrong, if I could have done something better to keep him from treating me the way he did. It was not the physical abuse that was the worst it was the emotional and psychological abuse that tormented me for years.
      What helped me get over some of the emotional scars was my faith in God and some really good chancellors.

      • First, you must remember that you didn’t do anything wrong nor could you have done anything better. Those thoughts are likely due to the abuse you did suffer and things your ex-husband said to you. The abuser often has a “hold” over us long after the abuse has ended because of the emotional turmoil we dealt with throughout the abuse. Faith in God is a huge part of moving beyond abuse, and I’m thankful that you are working to overcome the abuse. Hugs and prayers Tracy…

    • Yes, all too often the situations and people we don’t understand are the recipients of judgement. What novel did you receive? I love to read, and would like to check it out. 🙂 Blessings Janice

  5. My first husband was abusive. He had me convinced that it was my fault. I was ashamed to ask for help and wouldn’t have had a clue where to even go for help. I finally got brave enough to ask a co-worker for help when I became terrified that my husband might begin hurting our children. My co-worker helped us disappear. A couple of years later I found out that my husband had died. I grieved but I was also relieved. This post is going to help many women I suspect. Thanks for sharing this info.

    • It is terrible that somehow abusers can get into our mind and tell us things that are so far removed from the truth. Thank God you had someone who could help you out of the abusive relationship. Praying for you… Blessings Sylvia…

  6. My understanding from a friend who works with domestic violence victims is that it takes some women up to eight attempts before they will actually be able to separate themselves from the situation successfully. Fear is so paralyzing. I pray today for God to bring freedom to those who need it.

    Thanks for linking up to Thought-Provoking Thursday.

    • Yes, fear is so paralyzing. When it’s fear for your own life or your child’s life, I don’t know that paralyzing is even a strong enough word. Thank you for sharing this series across S/M. It is a blessing to have someone share such a difficult topic alongside me. Hugs and blessings!

  7. I’ve known several women who have been in abusive relationships, some definitely physical. From working with them, the most important thing I have learned is to know you are there for them if and when they are ready. As you mentioned, it is critical that they not be blamed for staying with their partner, nor can you force the person to leave. Thanks for sharing, stopping by from #LOBS.

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