Yesterday I realized something. Something that I hadn’t noticed had creeped into my life and my thoughts. Something that I have to stop.
Fact: My husband is 17 years older than me.
Fact: My husband’s commercial fishing is taking him away from the family for longer periods of time than ever.
These two facts can’t be changed. They are a part of my life.
Yet, what has become part of my life because of these facts is what needs to change.
What feels like forever ago, I watched a movie with one of the best friends I’ve ever had whom I miss greatly. It is a great movie, my favorite. But. It is one of the saddest movies I’ve ever seen. P.S. I Love You. The reason that I love the movie is because I realize that someday I will feel the loss of my husband that the wife (Holly) does more than likely (Lord willing not in the same manner, but the loss nonetheless). She loses the love of her life, her best friend and she doesn’t have a clue how to go on and for a time she falls into a state of depression and despair. Yet, in the end she finds her way. (I won’t say anymore in case you decide to watch it for yourself. Just be sure to have lots of tissues near by.)
My husband is my best friend. He is the love of my life. Not the romantic, flowery kind of love, but the abiding love that lasts a lifetime. The kind you can count on each and every day. If and when the day comes that I lose my husband, I know that I will feel exactly like Holly and I will more than likely go through a time of mourning just like she did. Yet, I know that God will not leave me there. I will find my way through life beyond the loss of my best friend. But, it hurts. Just the thought of going through this breaks my heart today.
Yesterday I realized that since my husband has been gone so much lately that I have begun to live my life protecting myself from the loss of him. I’ve been preparing myself for being alone. The times that he has asked me to come visit down south when we haven’t had guests, I’ve pushed him away, told him that I didn’t want to make the trip, that we wouldn’t have anything to do down there, that there wasn’t any reason for us to leave the cottages.
Life at the cottages is amazing. I love it here. But I don’t know that I can live here alone though. Yet, I don’t know if I can ever leave the cottages. This is the place where we came to start fresh, the first home that was only ours. No one else’s memories are here, the walls do not hold secrets that one of us doesn’t know. I love it here. It is my favorite memory of my life with my husband and I don’t know if I can let it go even if I have to live here alone.
What I do know is that I must not live life today protecting myself from the loss of my husband. I must not live today as if he will be gone tomorrow. Otherwise I will miss living the today with him that comes before that tomorrow. By not living today with my husband I am robbing memories from myself, memories that one day I could look back on and hold dear.
I don’t want to lose my best friend and I haven’t yet. But, if I don’t change this part of my life, I will lose my memories of today with him.
I will find my way today and through as many tomorrows that I have with my husband by my side. I will find my way on my own when the time comes with only God by my side, because I know He promises that He will never leave me.